Baby Fawn

An old and cherished postcard from my BFF artist sister Kelly Shaw Willman.

If you had to choose an animal to represent you, which one would you choose? It's a question I sometimes ask people when I am trying to get acquainted with them. Everyone has probably considered this at some point; it's akin to asking "what's your favorite color?" I like this particular question because it requires the use of symbolism in an intricate--- but still intuitive--- way. Finding an answer means thinking in a child-like manner, human yet automatic, intellectual yet unforced. The response is always telling. 

This type of association occurs often in "primitive" cultures (ugh, I dislike that usage) and also in literature or myth. Just think of the totem, the spirit animal, the dæmon, the patronus. The pairing happens instinctively, perhaps functioning as a way to help us understand identity. I think this is what it does for me... although I'm still not really sure. Writing or talking about this sort of thing is difficult; it does not fit well into words. All I know is that the pairing is important and holds a great deal of meaning.  

When I was a Baby Fawn

When I was a little kid, maybe five or six, I used to play a game called "Baby Fawn." It was a very simple game. Mom and my sisters and I always went on a walk in the middle of the day, and sometimes during this "days walk" (as we termed it) I would run ahead and curl up on the pavement, face down, and wait for the rest of my family to catch up. When they came upon me, Mom (as carefully instructed!) would say, "Oh, girls, it's a baby fawn!" And she'd proceed to speak as if they'd just discovered a real little fawn laying in the road. After a couple of minutes, I'd magically turn back into Arhia--- and then run ahead to repeat the game. If Mom got tired of it, she never let on. What a lady! I can distinctly remember transforming into the baby fawn, but I cannot recall why I chose that animal. Maybe because I thought deer were magical in their silent grace... and I enjoyed being such a fresh and untarnished creature. The moment of being "discovered" was always a bit frightening, since I'd convinced myself I was a deer, but it was also fun to be at the center of attention as a beautiful and somewhat mystical beast. 

A Safe Child

When I saw Disney's Bambi for the first time, it affected me quite severely. I definitely sobbed in the darkness of the movie theatre when Bambi's mother died. To me she was Mom. My mom. I experienced a very real existential moment involving the knowledge and understanding of death. I avoided ever seeing that movie again, though I had several opportunities. I didn't let on that it had made such a deep impression on me--- I'd hidden my tears. I felt ashamed, since it was just a silly animated movie after all. I did not want to risk being laughed at as the weepy, emotional, "weak" one compared to Rhiannon's Big Sister strength. 

One of my first experiences of Frida Kahlo was her painting "The Little Deer," or sometimes called "The Wounded Deer." It struck me as outrageously brave; so brazenly forward about an intimate, private sort of pain. The symbolism of it captured me. And her face--- calm in spite of the arrows, like the face of Christ on the cross in some of the Medieval paintings... just looking at you looking at the pain. I loved the honesty of it, and the awkwardness, like how she has two sets of ears. It is all exactly right.  

Frida and Granizo

Audrey and Pippin

In college, I made a painting referencing this one (if only in symbols employed; the content was altogether different). It is a dream I had while studying abroad in London--- an image of love (destiny, adoration) that came to me one night when I was missing Myer like you can't imagine. Oh, and Frida also owned a pet deer, as did Audrey Hepburn. What is it with artistic ladies and fawns? There's something attractive about the delicacy of a deer, and then there are the spots it loses with age and the number of points on a buck's antlers... an animal symbolically loaded.  

Being homeschooled and living a relatively secluded life in the woods meant that my sisters and I inevitably created a unique culture of our own. I have called it a totemic culture; in fact, my MFA thesis was based on this idea. All of us had "spirit animals"--- Rhiannon was a cat and a monkey, Annwn was a frog, etc. We have drawn and painted each other in our various animal incarnations. Here are three of them.

Embroidered fawn from Mirra

Rhiannon's rendition of us

My painting of Annwn