Redhead

My father: flame-haired bicycling stone-sculptor.

I've always wanted red hair. Maybe because Dad is a redhead, or maybe just because it's the brightest and most beautiful color where hair is concerned. As kids, my sisters and I all envied Dad's cascading fiery locks. Sometimes we'd play a game: "If you could change one thing about how you looked..." Desire for red hair usually topped the list. Throughout my life, I have been drawn to people--- fictional, historical, etc.---with this lucky attribute. The relative rarity of red hair (between 1% and 2% of the world's population display the trait) may add to its allure, but in the end it's simply the most beautiful color. I mean, I know "beautiful" is a sticky term and subjective blah blah blah, but really, who can argue that red is the most vivid natural hue seen on the human head? Who doesn't look twice when someone with an actual carrot-top goes by?

Dear Aunt Jan & baby Rhiannon

A host of stereotypes exists concerning the temperament and characteristics of redheads, with varying degrees of truth: "fiery temper", "crazy", "great in bed", "Irish", "not to be trusted", etc. Biologically, there are certain differences for those with red hair. One study found that they resist anesthesia, and require an extra 20% more than other folks during medical procedures. There is also a greater risk of deafness (from extended exposure to loud noise), as well as the commonly recognized susceptibility to sunburn.

Throughout history and across cultures, redheads have put up with a good deal of discrimination. In ancient Egypt, it is said that red-headed women were thought to be unlucky and were often burned at the stake. Greek mythology has them turning into vampires when they die.Aristotle believed that redheads were emotionally primitive. One Medieval recipe for poison included the "fat of a red-headed man." Spanish inquisitors believed red hair was a sign that its owner had stolen the fire of hell and must be burned at the stake as a witch. Hitler apparently had it out for gingers as well, banning the marriage of two redheads for fear they'd produce "deviant" offspring. Go figure.

Famous redheads: King Arthur, Queen Elizabeth I, Vincent Van Gogh, and Marilyn Monroe.

In spite of all this, history is peppered (cayenne peppered? Lol) with great and famous (sometimes infamous) redheads: King Arthur, Cleopatra (apparently escaped being burned at the stake), Judas Iscariot, Genghis Khan, Christopher Columbus, Henry VIII, Elizabeth I, Galileo Galilei, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Mark Twain, Vincent Van Gogh, and Marilyn Monroe among them. In addition, there are many fictional red-haired characters in books and movies that I have loved since childhood, and the list continues to grow. In fact, it's too long for this post, so I will only mention a few here.

Tintin, Pippi Longstocking, Jessica Rabbit, and Rose DeWitt Bukater.

If you love Tintin as much as I do, then you'll know why he must be saluted first. Dad bought us all the Adventures of Tintin when we were kids; several of my sisters learned to read in them. I distinctly remember helping Annwn make her way through The Black Island. Those are good memories of being a big sister. Tintin was adventure to us. We read those books countless times. Everything about Hergé's series of books is perfect--- from the plot lines to the beautiful drawings. And Tintin's red topknot: simply iconic. Next, how about Pippi Longstocking? She was a big hit in our household. Rhiannon even had a character she occasionally played who sported two braids with wire in them to stand out like Pippi's--- the aspirational tomboy spitfire girl. Then there's Who Framed Roger Rabbit, which had a cult following in our family. Again, Rhiannon was the one most obsessed with this film, and so the rest of us were by default. Rhiannon had a stuffed Roger, and hand-sewed a Jessica to accompany him. We even went so far as to build "Toontown" out of crates down on the strip. Jessica Rabbit was the epitome of *gorgeous* to us little snots. And all the more because of her red hair. Another movie character I must add, although some may sneer, is Rose from the much-loved and much-loathed 1997 Titanic. Yes, I liked that film. I still do. Rose's red hair is icing on the cake.

Petronella, The Book of Three, Anne of Green Gables, and The Hero and the Crown.

There was a book called Petronella that I loved as a child. I can scarcely remember the story, but boy do I remember that red hair! The heroine's tresses form a magical puffball of red-gold that is creatively and intricately depicted in the illustrations. I wish I could find a copy to look at once again. Some of our very most favorite books as kids were those of the "High King" series by Lloyd Alexander. I almost wish I had kids just so I could read them these books. If you have not taken part, you are missing out! The main girl character is named Eilonwy, and, you guessed it, she has red hair. It doesn't look like it on the cover of the book shown here, but trust me. Her hair is red. I included Anne of Green Gables more because I owned a very special hardcover copy of that book than because of any great fandom for it as a piece of literature. In fact, the book sort of got my goat. But the illustrations in this version, which was a gift from Dad, were absolutely beautiful. And her hair in these drawings? To die for. The final character I'll mention is Aerin from Robin McKinley's The Hero and the Crown. That book (part of a two book series including The Blue Sword) was also a powerful influence on our five-girl posse, and was read aloud by Mom more than twice. It had us all drawing dragons with tiny, tiny scales for months afterward. Those stories were so nail-bitingly awesome when I was a kid; I wonder how they would seem now? I clearly remember being saddened by how Aerin's hair grows back a darker, less brilliant red after she fights the dragon. Why did McKinley have to do that?

1000 Oceans.

Natural Body Care

Beauty mud bath circa 1985 (?)

When I was a kid growing up in the woods, my parents never bought many "products." Imagine a household of five girls--- and yet nary a moisturizer or spritz or hairspray to be seen in the bathroom cabinet. Actually, nary a bathroom was to be seen, since we had an outhouse. In any case, it wasn't until college that I started to learn about the wide world of products... and how desperately I needed them in spite of never having missed things like "Jergens" before. I remember one of my first roommates laughing at me because neither I nor my mom knew what 409 was; the first of many such experiences. Being rather self-conscious, I was susceptible to the opinions of roommates and decided to hop on the product train. I lusted after designer perfumes and magic lotions of all sorts. Unfortunately, it wasn't until just a couple years ago that I finally started to remember why we hadn't used these things back home in the woods........ because they are toxic. 

Reasons to chuck the "products"!

Just peruse the label of an average shampoo or toothpaste or perfume bottle, and see how many ingredients you can recognize. Well, I certainly need a chemistry class or ten to comprehend much of that! So, do I really want to slather it all over my body? After all, skin is the body's larges organ. It is permeable. We communicate constantly with the physical world through this organ. I don't know why it took so long for me to realize this, but I now feel quite strongly about not using body products that I couldn't also ingest.  Now let me say here that I'm definitely not as thorough about this rule as I sound... I'm still hoping (in vain!) that products prescribed by the dermatologist will eventually clear up my acne. But one by one I continue to banish this or that store-bought item from my regimen and replace it with a homemade concoction. Following are a few I've discovered/invented/heard about/experimented with. It's an evolving process, one of trial and error. You've got to enjoy the mad-scientist-mixing-things-up experience because there are messes and failures involved, for sure!

First, a shameless product placement. My mom always used Dr. Bronner's castile soap for everything, and recently (spurred on by nostalgia and a desire to consolidate products) I've been recreating this part of my childhood. Wow, the smell brings me back! And it is a lovely smell. With very few ingredients and almost all of them organic, this stuff really is "all-in-one." I use it in the bath, on my face, as shampoo, as shaving cream for legs and armpits (gone are the awful pressurized shaving cream bottles; Myer even uses Dr. Bronner's for shaving his face), for hand-washing clothes, as dish soap, for rinsing food, and of course as general hand soap. How great is it to replace so many different bottles with just one? Pretty great, in my opinion. Also you simply can't beat the electrifying tingle of fresh mint oil on your skin. It comes in many scents, and I enjoy the lavender, but peppermint is definitely my standard. Seriously guys. Don't miss out.

Bath & Body
There are many natural body cleaners one can come up with based on just a few ingredients. For shampoo, baking soda works great on its own. Just sprinkle it on your head and lather away. Various body scrubs can be made using either salt or sugar plus some sort of oil. I like crystallized raw honey with lavender oil, or chunky sea salt with coconut oil. My favorite go-to body moisturizer is virgin coconut oil ($5.99/pint at Trader Joe's), but I also like to mix things up. I recently did a combination of coconut oil, beeswax, and cocoa butter that is absolutely exquisite! It smells like heaven and feels pretty dang sexy going on. I've also experimented with different types of body scrubs. One I'm LOVING is a scar-fading, anti-cellulite body scrub that I made with finely-ground fresh dark roast coffee beans, natural cane sugar, and castor oil. You could use any noncomedogenic oil, like jojoba; I had castor on hand. The scent is fantastic, and after you rub it into your skin and oil is absorbed, you can easily rinse the sugar and coffee off in the shower. Seriously luxurious. I swear it helps with stretch marks.

Coconut oil + beeswax + cocoa butter for moisturizing the body.

Coffee + sugar + castor oil cellulite-reducing, scar-fading body scrub.

  Facial Care

I've experimented with a plethora of cleansing facial masks. Some of my favorite combinations so far: clay (I like French green or Aztec) with baking soda, clay with activated charcoal, clay with apple cider vinegar and tea tree oil, and clay with raw honey and coconut oil. Just smear it all over your visage and let it dry for 45 minutes or so, then wash. I am always tempted to pick rather than wash, but this is kind of hard on the skin. A good way to follow the facial mask is by toning and moisturizing. I like to use apple cider vinegar (get unpasteurized) or rose water as toner, and both work well. If you have tender skin, ACV might sting--- but it helps eliminate bad bacteria and also has an alkalizing effect, which is usually helpful. For facial moisturizer, I enjoy either coconut oil or argan oil. Both sink deeply into the skin rather than just making a greasy slick on top. To moisturize lips, I swear by lanolin. I've never used anything else. Some might not like the smell, as it is rather "sheepish" (haha) but I actually enjoy the natural scent. It soaks in deep and stays on for hours. 

Toothpaste, Deodorant, Feminine Care 

Botanical illustration of coconut plant

Two additional products one can replace with homemade versions are toothpaste and deodorant. Plain baking soda works just fine as tooth cleanser, but you can get fancy with other ingredients if you want. Activated charcoal + baking soda + coconut oil + peppermint essential oil makes is a lovely recipe that gives you a legitimate paste rather than a powder. Deodorant is often extremely toxic as purchased in-store, so it's very important to chuck that stuff and make your own. Actually, Myer and I don't really use anything these days; if your diet is clean, you don't stink much! But there are fabulous versions you can mix up yourself if need be. Finally, for the ladies, I think it's worth mentioning "feminine care" in this post. The products provided to us for this need are so wasteful and often toxic--- it's sad how long it took me to find the right alternative. My mom used to make and wash her own, but I'm too lazy for that! However, natural sea sponges are a wonderful in-between answer. They are super easy to use and completely safe for you and the environment. I was enlightened! Tip: put a drop of tea tree oil on it before using. It helps with scent and to keep bad bacteria away.

Scents

I have a large collection of essential oils that I use in various ways. Mostly I put them on straight out of the bottle as natural perfume. I wear different ones according to my mood and the physical state of my body. If I'm feeling sluggish or weighty, frankincense, tea tree, pine, peppermint, citrus, eucalyptus, or myrrh are all uplifting/invigorating. For particularly stressful days, lavender, rose, jasmine or neroli help to relax me. When I'm extra energetic, I like something musky such as patchouli, amber, sandalwood, or vanilla. My favorite brand is Wyndmere, partially because the quality is very fine, and partly because they come in the most gorgeous little cobalt glass bottles. Besides perfume, these oils are also wonderful in candles, as aromatherapy, in other bath products, and just to sniff now and then. Rose is probably my all-time favorite; surprise surprise. 

  

Baby Fawn

An old and cherished postcard from my BFF artist sister Kelly Shaw Willman.

If you had to choose an animal to represent you, which one would you choose? It's a question I sometimes ask people when I am trying to get acquainted with them. Everyone has probably considered this at some point; it's akin to asking "what's your favorite color?" I like this particular question because it requires the use of symbolism in an intricate--- but still intuitive--- way. Finding an answer means thinking in a child-like manner, human yet automatic, intellectual yet unforced. The response is always telling. 

This type of association occurs often in "primitive" cultures (ugh, I dislike that usage) and also in literature or myth. Just think of the totem, the spirit animal, the dæmon, the patronus. The pairing happens instinctively, perhaps functioning as a way to help us understand identity. I think this is what it does for me... although I'm still not really sure. Writing or talking about this sort of thing is difficult; it does not fit well into words. All I know is that the pairing is important and holds a great deal of meaning.  

When I was a Baby Fawn

When I was a little kid, maybe five or six, I used to play a game called "Baby Fawn." It was a very simple game. Mom and my sisters and I always went on a walk in the middle of the day, and sometimes during this "days walk" (as we termed it) I would run ahead and curl up on the pavement, face down, and wait for the rest of my family to catch up. When they came upon me, Mom (as carefully instructed!) would say, "Oh, girls, it's a baby fawn!" And she'd proceed to speak as if they'd just discovered a real little fawn laying in the road. After a couple of minutes, I'd magically turn back into Arhia--- and then run ahead to repeat the game. If Mom got tired of it, she never let on. What a lady! I can distinctly remember transforming into the baby fawn, but I cannot recall why I chose that animal. Maybe because I thought deer were magical in their silent grace... and I enjoyed being such a fresh and untarnished creature. The moment of being "discovered" was always a bit frightening, since I'd convinced myself I was a deer, but it was also fun to be at the center of attention as a beautiful and somewhat mystical beast. 

A Safe Child

When I saw Disney's Bambi for the first time, it affected me quite severely. I definitely sobbed in the darkness of the movie theatre when Bambi's mother died. To me she was Mom. My mom. I experienced a very real existential moment involving the knowledge and understanding of death. I avoided ever seeing that movie again, though I had several opportunities. I didn't let on that it had made such a deep impression on me--- I'd hidden my tears. I felt ashamed, since it was just a silly animated movie after all. I did not want to risk being laughed at as the weepy, emotional, "weak" one compared to Rhiannon's Big Sister strength. 

One of my first experiences of Frida Kahlo was her painting "The Little Deer," or sometimes called "The Wounded Deer." It struck me as outrageously brave; so brazenly forward about an intimate, private sort of pain. The symbolism of it captured me. And her face--- calm in spite of the arrows, like the face of Christ on the cross in some of the Medieval paintings... just looking at you looking at the pain. I loved the honesty of it, and the awkwardness, like how she has two sets of ears. It is all exactly right.  

Frida and Granizo

Audrey and Pippin

In college, I made a painting referencing this one (if only in symbols employed; the content was altogether different). It is a dream I had while studying abroad in London--- an image of love (destiny, adoration) that came to me one night when I was missing Myer like you can't imagine. Oh, and Frida also owned a pet deer, as did Audrey Hepburn. What is it with artistic ladies and fawns? There's something attractive about the delicacy of a deer, and then there are the spots it loses with age and the number of points on a buck's antlers... an animal symbolically loaded.  

Being homeschooled and living a relatively secluded life in the woods meant that my sisters and I inevitably created a unique culture of our own. I have called it a totemic culture; in fact, my MFA thesis was based on this idea. All of us had "spirit animals"--- Rhiannon was a cat and a monkey, Annwn was a frog, etc. We have drawn and painted each other in our various animal incarnations. Here are three of them.

Embroidered fawn from Mirra

Rhiannon's rendition of us

My painting of Annwn

Tea

Every morning I drink a pot of tea. The first thing I do when I enter the kitchen is turn my silver kettle on to boil. I crave my tea at that time of the day, not because it wakes me up (I rarely have difficulty with mornings), but because there is a certain something about the combination of pre-dawn and that crisp, steaming beverage... that I find to be blissfully cleansing and invigorating. Apparently I'm not alone in my love of tea; it's the second most-consumed beverage in the world after water. I drink one whole pot myself, and sometimes I have more late-morning. I know people who prefer their tea lukewarm... but I like mine very hot. I can taste it better this way, and my body feels most calmed and satisfied.

This traditional tetsubin cast iron Japanese teapot was a wedding gift from our friend Mona. I use it every day.

Camellia Sinensis

Mythic/historical figure Shennong

The tea plant, camellia sinensis, probably originated in the area that now includes northern Burma and southwest China (Yunnan and Sichuan provinces), although the precise location is difficult to determine, as cultivation has spread far and wide over the past several thousand years. A popular Chinese legend attributes the invention of tea as a beverage to emperor Shennong ("Divine Farmer") in 2737 BC. However, tea was used medicinally much earlier on. In fact, no one really knows when or how humans began using the plant. To me, that makes tea both practical and mystical--- a combination of attributes I find most attractive (not just in tea). From China it spread to Korea, Japan, and Vietnam. People in the Himalayan region of India used tea in medicine for an unknown period of time, but it did not become a common beverage until the British introduced it as such. The Western world discovered tea when Portuguese priests and merchants visited China during the 16th century. Tea-drinking spread to Britain around 1660, but did not become commonplace until the mid 1700s. A thriving black market trade organized around tea eventually led to the Boston Tea Party, and only ceased when the British stopped taxing it (by 1785). Interestingly, Americans actually drank more tea than the English did before Boston's most famous party.  

The five most popular varieties of tea.

There are many varieties of tea, but five can be identified as the "main" or most widely consumed. They are, as shown above: white, green, oolong, black, and pu erh. While they all come from the camellia sinensis plant, each type constitutes a radically different sipping experience. I was quite amazed to discover (in my early days of tea-geekhood) that every variation is a result of growing conditions, climate, harvest time, plant part, and processing. Tea production truly is an art, and the more I read about it, the more it astonishes me. I'm fast becoming a snob, although I do have a long way to go before I really qualify!

A great visual of tea data.

My personal favorites are green and oolong, with white a close third, and pu erh of great interest because making it involves fermentation (I <3 fermentation).  I wish I could give you an exhaustive list of all the exotic kinds within each category that I've tried... but to speak the truth, it's expensive, and I have not been able to indulge all my tea urges as yet. Some of the best I've tasted so far include gyokuro (a vibrant green from Japan), jade oolong (it smells like lilacs!), and silver needle (an airy white). I also love the traditional jasmine green, gunpowder green, and sencha. One I've been dying to try is Ti Kuan Yin, an oolong named after one of my favorite Buddhist deities (she is called Avelokiteshvara in Sanskrit).  I'm also lusting after shincha, pouchong, and the beautiful "blooming teas" made of tea leaves carefully sewn together that blossom when steeped in hot water. I don't mean to neglect the black teas here--- it's just that they aren't my particular favorites. I do, however, depend on Irish Breakfast to feed my kombucha culture! Black is definitely her favorite.

Aside from indulging my appreciation of fine craft and intricate gustatory pleasure, tea also happens to be extremely healthy. It's hard to deny several thousand years' worth of ancestral wisdom on this front. Tea feels so good to my body that quoting "evidence" seems a little absurd, but as I mentioned before, my personality consists of equal parts hokey-pokey intuition/magic and scientific rationality, so I can't not put in a few words about studies "proving" tea's health benefits. Time magazine has a page on tea that seems to check out, and here are a few juicy tidbits via Harvard Medical School's website:

• Tea drinking appears to lower the risk for heart disease and stroke
• Natural compounds called polyphenols in green tea might protect against several cancers, including those of the prostate, GI tract, lungs, breast, and skin
• Caffeine and antioxidants called catechins found in green, oolong, and white teas may increase metabolism and promote weight loss
• Tea polyphenols are thought to strengthen bones and protect against fractures
• People who drink tea could see improvements in mood, concentration, and performance.

The infographic at right is great; just click to enlarge if you can't read it at current size. It has some great statistics about all things tea. 

I have a wealth of nostalgic memories based on tea-drinking ritual. When I first met Myer in Autumn 2004 at Lawrence University, we bonded over our love of walking in the season's invigorating chill and bright leaf-colors with our travel mugs of hot tea. We still enjoy this practice, and every time we do, we are filled with a sense of romance because it was something we did in the beginning. Mushy, I know. (Sorry not sorry!) 

Us back then.

That's about all I have to say on the subject of tea, for now. Let me know what some of your favorites are... 

Egg

A variety of eggs.

Eggs. Yes, they are incredible. And I think might be one of the healthiest and most versatile foods on the planet. This year I began eating them raw, which was a revelation, because I used to always get "egg burps" after eating them cooked. I'm not a big fan of the whites, but the yolks are to die for. There's nothing quite like the taste of a plain, fresh, raw egg yolk with a few grains of sea salt! As a kid, my sister Rhiannon owned a veritable bestiary of animals, many of which were the egg-laying sort. Here are the types of eggs I've tried: goose, duck, guineahen, peahen, emu, turtledove, and of course chicken.  Duck are my favorite. The yolks are large and extra creamy... and the color of the egg shell is a beautiful light green (if it's a mallard egg, like the kind we had). Unfortunately, I have not found a place to buy fresh duck eggs; only the black preserved ones (which I love, but are expensive... and not raw, obviously!)

Did you know that an egg is a single cell? At least that's my understanding of it; I'm no biologist. Pretty cool though, if that's the case. They are also a near-perfect balance in terms of nutrients, being intended to nourish a growing baby. Eating a raw egg is like taking a multivitamin, only 100% natural and super delicious to boot. Here is a breakdown of (some of) the contents of an egg, given in terms of white vs yolk. Don't throw out that liquid gold!!! Look for dark-colored yolks; eggs with the brightest, deepest yellow yolks are the healthiest. I remember some home-grown specimens being almost orange! (PS, yolk-fat is awesome. Without it, you wouldn't be able to absorb those vitamins).

The culinary history of eggs goes back as far as humans do. We've been eating them basically since we stood upright. And no wonder--- they are the original fast food. Long before people learned how to cook their victuals, eggs were sucked straight from the shell upon discovery. Egg symbolism across cultures is fascinating. Not surprisingly, they have long been a symbol of life itself and were often believed to enhance fertility. In the East there was at one time a practice called "oomancy" (delightful word!) for predicting the future in the cracks of eggshells. In the West, the egg has been used as a Christian symbol--- think Easter. The reason eggs are sold by the dozen relates to the special place held by #12 in Christian mythology (you guessed it: 12 apostles). Apparently eggs have been sold this way since Elizabethan times. 

If you don't know how this has to do with eggs, I pity you.

You can do just about anything with eggs. Their uses are so diverse that is difficult to decide which recipes to include here. Personally, I like to either eat the raw yolks plain or else mix them with cacao powder, cinnamon, and whey powder for a tasty and energizing mini-meal. But I also serve them to Myer in various cooked guises.

Deviled Eggs

According to my research, deviled eggs in some form or other date back at least to Roman times. "Stuffed eggs" in many different cultures take on a wide variety of forms, some of them more appealing than others. Here is one I've made a few times.

6 hard-boiled eggs
2 tablespoons virgin coconut oil
1 teaspoon turmeric powder
Salt
Cayenne pepper

Slice eggs in half, remove yolks. Add coconut oil and turmeric to yolks and mix well. Form mixture into balls and press them into the whites. Sprinkle with sea salt and cayenne pepper to taste.

Egg Tea

I found this recipe for "Primal Egg Coffee" on Mark's Daily Apple and was intrigued. However, I don't drink coffee, so I decided to try a simple version with tea. I couldn't really picture how it would work--- I thought the egg yolk would just cook in the tea and be all chunky and gross. Not a bit! It's like tea with cream, only sans lactose and plus all that great egg yolk nutrition. So here's what I do: brew one cup of strong black tea (Lapsang Souchong is great for this!)... wash an egg, carefully crack it and separate the yolk from the white. Plop the yolk into your cup, break with a spoon and stir well. The tea will instantly be creamy and opaque. Drink while hot! 

Egg-in-a-(Tofu)-Hole

I used to make this for Myer a lot. It's very simple. Just cut a square hole out of a chunk of tofu... roughly egg-sized... fry the tofu on one side, flip, crack an egg into the hole, and cook until the egg is solid so it doesn't make a mess when you take it out of the frying pan. Sriracha lovey-dovey decoration optional....

Self-Portrait

In-progress.

I have been fascinated by portraits in art since I first began looking at Dad's old art history books as a little kid. Human faces were always my favorite subjects; I don't think that needs any explanation. As a child, I loved to draw people. "Beautiful Ladies" made frequent appearances in my sketchbooks. But I didn't begin drawing pictures of myself until I attended college. For some reason, I was squeamish about it when surrounded by my family. I thought drawing myself would indicate something suspect in me. Once I started using my own face and body as subjects, however, I could not stop. Suspect? Maybe. But I'm sure other artists will understand the attraction. What actually happens when one visually depicts oneself? Sometimes this practice is seen as narcissistic and egotistical; on the contrary (I believe), it encourages understanding and compassion for others by teaching understanding and compassion for oneself. It is a search for identification through the commonality of idiosyncrasy. It is a narration of recognition. A self-portrait is a definition of reality (and an acknowledgment of differing realities). The spell of the self-portrait is difficult to escape. And I wonder, why try? Many of my favorite paintings of all time happen to be of this genre.

Frida Kahlo, Self-Portrait with Necklace, 1933.

I've recently been reading the most incredible book, The Self-Portrait: A Cultural History by James Hall. Not only is it informative from a historical perspective (I am ravenous for history), but it speaks intimately to me about my own desire to depict myself... while making me feel such companionship with artists spread out across hundreds of years. If you are interested in the subject at all, I highly recommend this book. 

Some artists are known mainly for their self-portraits. Frida Kahlo is one such. At the time of her death (age 47), she had painted about 55 of them.  Rembrandt is also known largely for his self-portraits, many completed in his youthful years. I have been lucky enough to see several of these stunning works, including a small piece that resides in Amsterdam's Rijksmuseum. He depicts himself at the tender age of 23. When I stood before it, I felt as though I were facing a fire that had been burning for 400 years... like my soul was being seared by a beautiful brand. 

Rembrandt, Self-Portrait as a Young Man, 1629.

Before the 15th century, self-portraits in art were comparatively rare and not hailed with such to-do. For a great deal of history, artists were in fact considered equivalent in status to blacksmiths or weavers; they were "craftspeople," and not deemed significant enough to warrant the sort of historical memorial that portraiture entailed. Still, they sneaked in self-portraits whenever they could and in spite of ridicule or even punishment. The desire of the artist to portray him/herself... has remained constant. One painting I desperately wish I could see in person currently hangs in the Alte Pinakothek, Munich, Germany. Albrecht Dürer's Self-Portrait (1500) has deeply affected me since I first saw an image of it many years ago. Even without the art history context, this piece is (in my humble opinion) unsurpassed. Within said context, it takes on many additional layers of meaning and explains its important position in the textbooks. Just look at it for a moment... that hair! That gaze! That hand! I'd go to Germany solely to visit this awe-inspiring yet humbly-sized (26 x 19 inches) painting.

Durer, Self-Portrait, 1500.

Much of the controversy surrounding this portrait revolves around Durer's (apparent) allusions to images of Christ from the period. He has employed various conventions of representation and symbolic elements that make this reference difficult to doubt. I'm sure I need not go into why that was problematic for many people. However, I don't think Durer was intending it to be an affront... from my perspective, he was in fact "worshiping God" in his own way; in the way he needed to, although it was not necessarily safe.

Picasso, Self-Portrait, 1901.

Sofonisba Anguissola

Two more I must mention before I bring this to a close: the first is Picasso's from his "blue period." It's something about the placement of his face on the canvas, and his expression surrounded by blues that are somehow both soft and vicious. The second is by Italian Renaissance painter Sofonisba Anguissola, who created many self-portraits throughout her long life (an incredible 92 years). I think they are all beautiful, but the small example pictured here is my favorite because of the angle at which her head is tilted... and the wisdom-filled youth in her gaze.

I enjoy looking at portraits in general, but self-portraiture holds a special fascination for me. When I stare deeply into a great one, I feel a twinge of that longing--- that desire to bridge the chasm between perception and perceived. In the really, truly great ones, I can taste it. Which is what spurs me to continue attempting my own. I've finished several, all of them quite different from each other, and am working on two more. The "sliver picture" at the beginning of this post is a taste of my most recent self-portrait project (and, sadly, it is far from done!).

Lady with a Langur, 2012.

Rosa Acicularis, Prickly Wild Rose

Down in the lower gardens on the strip, where the Milky Way shone bright at night, our wild roses grew. Mom brought them small from Grandma's garden up in Minnesota, but they were enthusiastic flowers and fast made our home their own. Yesterday I asked Mom if the roses were still there, and she said yes, it's hard to keep them at bay.... which I was glad to hear. Wild roses are my favorite flowers. Have you sniffed a wild rose? The scent is like a drug, it overtakes me. During this time of year, I often smell them before I see them; where are you, my delicious friend? There you are, and I make the apt-named beeline to stand and inhale, inhale until I almost faint of too much oxygen. Standing like that, I see the secret world beneath the spiny bushes and it reminds me of picking raspberries in the forest as a child. Did you know? Raspberries and roses are in the same family. I think I am part of that family, too.

From Snow White and Rose Red

Roses. Probably the most oft-referenced flower by artists and poets through many centuries, and used symbolically in countless myths/folktales/etc. When I was very small, my dad told me about the brilliance of Gertrude Stein: "Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose"... which I didn't understand, but pretended to, because Dad spoke to me like I was a smart girl who would know such things. There is a Grimm's fairy tale called Snow White and Rose Red that my sister Rhiannon and I loved. She said they were us--- she was Snow White and I was Rose Red. That suited me fine. Mom read us Romeo and Juliet out loud, explaining every line as she went. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet." Yes, yes I understood that! Because I had smelled roses, and there was no denying the transcendence of their scent. One of our best friends growing up was named Rose. Everyone else called her "Rosie"; we stubbornly stuck with "Rose." To me that meant the wholeness of the flowering plant in all its glory, whereas "rosie" sounded like an adjective, a skin tone. I still call her Rose, and I'm sure she will laugh reading this.

Last year in the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, I stumbled across a treasure by the windows in the "Dutch room."

The Madonna and Child in a Rose Arbor, 16th c., Workshop of Martin Schongauer, German, 1450-1491, Oil on wood

Page of a 16th c. German hymnal

This painting is spell-binding to me. I think it feels like home. All the plants are hyper-real, which in my mind seems more real than "actual" real.... and I know what most of them are because I grew up in that garden. Roses have been used since Medieval times as a symbol for both Christ and Mary. In the 16th century German hymn "Es ist ein Ros entsprungen" ("Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming"), it symbolizes Christ's birth. Mom used to sing this hymn at Christmastime; it was always one of her favorites. I wasn't a fan back then because it was difficult for me to sing, and I didn't understand how a rose had to do with Christmas. Now I love it because it reminds me of Mom.

I eat roses. I drink roses. I put roses on my body.... Raspberries drizzled with rose water, rose-petal kombucha, Weleda wild rose body oil and Wyndmere rose oil in jojoba. I cannot get enough. Of course I am aware that roses are cliche as a favorite flower. However, I think resisting my love of these divine blossoms because so many have loved them before... would prove me rather silly. When I was a little girl, I chose brown as my favorite color for a long time, because I felt sorry for the brown Crayola marker. No one seemed to love it. These days, I just go right for the juiciest, sparkliest, tastiest, and most colorful. Sorry brown Crayola marker. After all, as they say, life is short. So I stop and smell the ... like, every five minutes.